Child stars – the Marmite of the film world. Well, if Marmite was in turns repulsively precocious, rich, saccharine, moronic, hilarious, messed up, talented and down right dirty, which it may well be depending on where you spread it.
There is something innately revolting about watching someone young enough to be your chimney sweep projected four metres high on screen in front of a gawping audience. It’s even worse when the little twerp in question is so gargantuanly talentless that you want to shove a carrot up its nose until the green tip disappears.
But hey, let’s not tar all those juvenile junk-nuts with the same cynical brush, some of those rugrats were actually pretty awesome.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Before he grew the most fainted-over set of curtains since the storming of the Bastille, Leonardo DiCaprio had already proved his acting mettle as Arnie, the younger brother of Andrew WK lookalike, Johnny Depp. Grabbing potential offence by the bull horns, DiCaprio managed to miraculously pull off a depiction of learning difficulties that showed more sensitivity in his 19-year-old bones than the whole cast of Grange Hill put together.
Where are they now?
DiCaprio, or Leo to you, has tried furiously to wipe the collective memory of The Man In The Iron Mask with stunning performances in The Aviator and The Departed. But for some of us, the memory of him in a horrific ginger wig will never fade.
Mary Kate and Ashley
When it comes to cinematic masterpieces, I’m yet to find something that can top the 1992 TV movie To Grandmother’s House We Go. It’s got Christmas cheer (I hate Christmas), some hilarious crooked comedy capers (unfortunately these don’t involve the mini-trolls selling stolen weapons to fuel a crack addiction) and Bob Saget. Yeah, the Bob Saget. No wonder the Olsen twins became more internationally famous than malaria.
Where are they now?
Both Mary-Kate and Ashley can be seen digesting their internal organs at premiers, parties and parking lots across the globe.
Dustin Diamond
Okay, okay cheap shot. But come on. Who among us hasn’t said ‘zoinks’? The whitest man with the biggest afro will be a hero of the perverse for all time.
Where are they now?
Don’t go thinking Screech has given up on cinema. Good crikey no. After a minor diversion in to the world of pro-wrestling, the Diamond in the rough is back in front of the camera. Doing a different kind of wrestling. Oh yes. Suffice to say, more than 40 seconds spent watching the Dustin Diamond sex tape is enough to burn out not only your retinas, but your very soul. Thanks Mr Bell-ding-dong.
Mariam from Georgia
Sounds Like Teen Spirit had all the makings of a buttock-breakingly awful film. Collection of precocious wannabe pop stars? Check. Children learning inappropriately sexual dance routines? Check. Enough hormones to bring Anne Widdicombe back from the menopause? Check. Euro pop? Check. Thank Christ that Mariam, a 13-year-old Georgian refugee, was there. Whether she was being handed an orange from the back of a beaten up ford-fiesta-cum-market-stall, or singing her heart out on stage in Rotterdam (while her parents could only watch a fuzzy transmission on a broken TV back in Georgia), Mariam plucked the heartstrings like the PG tips princess.
Where are they now?
According to the film’s postscript, Mariam’s family were forced to leave their home in Gori after the contest, due to the recent conflict in Georgia.
Hayley Joel Osment
Forget The Sixth Sense (although a shout out to Mischa Barton’s brilliant depiction of a haggard victim of substance abuse. Oh, and that part in the film where she’s been poisoned). Forget Pay It Forward (how easy is it to forget drowning in treacle?). Forget AI (honestly, you’ll thank me for it). Because the performance that propelled the man with a baby’s face into the realms of genius can be found right here (0:45 is where the magic really happens). Oh yes. We have double denim dealing king of the world Chuck Norris. We have a jolly old man. We have a woman so wholesome you want to pour salt up her nose. And we have the best delivery of a single line in the entire history of cinema.
Where are they now?
Well, judging by this clip, I can only imagine he’s living in America, on anti-viral medication.
The pantheon of child stars could go on and on: the diabolical double act of Judy Garland and Liza Minelli; the sound of nails on a blackboard made flesh, also known as Aileen Quinn in Annie; the barn-stormingly dysfunctional Danny Bonaduce from The Partridge Family; the baby in Willow…
But who are your favourites? And where are they now?
