So, according to a highly reputable and distinctly impartial English newspaper, Robert Pattinson is going to be playing Kurt Cobain in a new biopic about the iconic musician.
Oh the horror! Oh the bitter cruelty! Oh the villainy! A famous young white man might play a famous young white man in a film portrayal of the life of a famous young white man! This is just, like, spitting on Kurt’s fucking grave. That’s it. Enough is enough. If this horrific, terrible act goes ahead it’ll be enough to push us to blow our brains out. Yeah. That’ll show them.
But before musical history is ruined forever, let us cast a considered eye over some of the other actors who should have got the role:
Thomas Turgoose
Let’s be honest. If Kurt Cobain had been English, he would have been from Grimsby. He probably would have learned to play guitar by plucking at the tiny, tiny spines of the pollock and hake he’d just filleted.
Elaine Paige
Hello? ‘Send In The Clowns’? ‘Memory’? ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’? This woman was born to play a drug-fuelled, depressive… ‘Aneurysm’ was probably written about Grizabella from Cats.
Will Smith
Under those tousled, greasy blonde locks, you just knew that Kurt was sporting a ruler-straight hairline. Also, and be honest, we’ve all drawn comparison between the stripped down disaffection of ‘Lithium’ and Smith’s classic “Walk in shadow, move in silence/Guard against extra-terrestrial violence/But yo we ain’t on no government list/We straight don’t exist, no names and no fingerprints.” Men in Black also wear plaid… sometimes.
Thandie Newton
Newton’s really got the autobiographical experience to play Cobain – a degree in Anthropology, a childhood spent shoplifting in the malls of Penzance and a true understanding of genius. What is ‘Sliver’ if not a stripped-down melodic take on the comedy and tragedy of Norbit?
Keanu Reeves
A genius of his craft, a true Stanislavskian; there is no character too intense, too complex, too human for Reeves to inhabit. And he’s probably got his own jeans and shirts and stuff too, so it would save the costume budget.
Kate Winslet
Take the boat of late ’80s hair metal, the iceberg of anti-commerce grunge and whammo! You’ve got yourself a colossal Nirvana zeitgeist shipwreck, fronted by the heaving-bosomed, clipped voweled, hideous kinky Converse all-star that was Kurt Cobain.
Tom Hanks
Had he lived long enough to see it, Cobain would have, like, totally got My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And frankly, it’s hard to think of anyone better than the man who played a big light-up floor keyboard in Big and got really really good at ping pong in Forrest Gump, to play ‘Negative Creep’.
Morgan Freeman
What’s that? Freeman put ‘playing the front man of a seminal ’90s Seattle grunge band’ on his Bucket List? Well kids, let’s make movie magic and make Morgans wish come true.
