Release date: April 23, 2010
The cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts.
The pitch: A top secret squad of highly-trained assassins travels to South America to overthrow an evil dictator.
The strapline: Not released yet, but feel free to suggest your own…
The buzz: Stallone grabbed headlines earlier this year with news that California’s very own Governator would cameo alongside Bruce “Needs a Hit” Willis in his new movie. The Italian Stallion has lined up a cast list of heavies from the past three decades that will no doubt get action fans slavering in anticipation, but what about the rest of us?
Reasons this could be good: The trailer appears to treat its musclebound premise with something of a sense of irony. No film that has Eric Roberts snarling “I own you!!” can be taking itself entirely seriously. It may look like every other straight-to-video Commando knock-off ever released, but if it has a sense of humour it could end up as an affectionate tribute to that enduring genre, couldn’t it? Come on, who didn’t love the 80s?
Reasons this could be bad: Where to begin. The bikes! The infra-red! The accents! “This shit’s gettin’ old!” This three-minute reel appears to be made up entirely of clichés and bad one-liners executed in gravelly, barely comprehensible murmurs. A measure of how bad things are is that normally in actioner trailers there’ll be one killer shot flashed up at the end to get us really excited. The trailer for Bourne 3 is the perfect example; when Damon jumps into the window and the camera follows him through. All this has is Stallone jumping away from an explosion in slo-mo, a cliché so tawdry and overused even Terminator 4 didn’t go there. Was there a single shot in this trailer that would make you excited about seeing the film?
We think: Irony? We thought Stallone was being ironic when we saw the extremely gory red-band trailer for the Rambo reboot. We were wrong. Arnie and Bruce may have signed up (though it’s interesting neither of them are even hinted at in the trailer) but a whole host of B-list stars said no, including Seagal, Norris, and Van Damme. Take note, Sly: If Jean Claude Van Damme feels he has to turn down your action movie, something must be seriously wrong. On the evidence of this trailer, The Expendables will be bloody, brainless and boring.
Music: Sounds like a few bars of Iron Maiden at the beginning, followed by some generic John Powell soundtrack work. Possibly Bourne, but more likely Jumper or Mr & Mrs Smith.
Did you spot?: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, aka The Poor Man’s Hulk Hogan, in a very homoerotic tussle with Statham. That’ll please the beefcake fans.
The odds of you seeing it: In the unlikely event of you being a Stallone fan, you will probably already be strapping on your red bandana and gun belt. Everyone else should stay far, far away.
