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The Pitch: Die Hard 6

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The Pitch: Die Hard 6 film still

Ahead of the fifth Die Hard movie, A Good Day To Die Hard, LWLies pitch some potential continuations for this workhorse action franchise.

A new Die Hard film is released in the UK on 14 February and has been given the stretching-it-a-little title of A Good Day To Die Hard. In it, Bruce Willis’ string- vested copper John McClane has to take on the Russkies and prevent nuclear war, etc. But LWLies got a sneak peak inside a top secret Hollywood dossier which contained potential details of McClane’s future adventures...

 

Title: Die Hard: Bermuda Die-Angle

 

When his daughter Lucy (played by a misc brunette TV sock puppet) gets engaged to the son of a tax-dodging billionaire Mitteleuropean financier (read: arms dealer) played by Christoph Waltz, irony-heavy Irish moron John McClane – now working as an HR Compliance Officer for Chuck E Cheese – begrudgingly tootles down to Bermuda for the wedding. Sadly, the ceremony soon goes all Kill Bill/November Rain and the bride-to-be is abducted by a platoon of Nazi storm-troopers freshly sprung from the time-dilating netherworld of the Bermuda Triangle. Dutiful to a fault, Bruce manfully smears his semi-naked body with some prototype ‘anti-time gel’ and paraglides into the void with naught but a “Yippee-ki-yay” and some muffled aspersions as to his agent’s parentage. Mayhem ensues.

 

Title: Tie-Dye Or Dye Tryin’

 

The film opens with John McClane being handed a gold watch and then ushered out to the green pastures of retirement. He makes the calculations and realises he can afford to sell off his Brooklyn shitbox and invest in a nice little beachside condo on an island resort in Thailand. But when he arrives, disaster strikes, as the realtor fails to mention that his property is slap bang next to an ‘organic farm’/hippy commune populated by muslin-clad Earthmothers, and John’s twilight years are ruined by 5am muck-spreading, wall-to-wall shamanic chanting and the thick fug of reefer smoke. It’s only when the leader of the commune – a strangely svelte Eurotrash wiseacre calling himself Pierre (played by Christoph Waltz) – introduced himself that McClane decides to join, but only with the intention of tearing down this hemp-swaddled edifice from the inside.

 

Title: Surf Nazis Must Die Hard

 

After accidentally levelling an orphanage for excessively cute children when trying to cuff an itinerant and boorish carjacker, McClane is busted down to rookie status and is posted as on-site security for a low-budget exploitation horror movie filming in New York. The production’s strangely extrovert Eurotrash director (played by Christoph Waltz) tries to coerce McClane into becoming a background artist, but he resists. Their game of psychological cat-and-mouse continues, though McClane soon realises that as the days roll on, the crew appears to be thinning out. Only then does it transpire that Waltz is actually orchestrating a bizarre, City-wide gonzo snuff movie. McClane kills everyone involved.

 

Title: Being John McClane

 

It had to happen. With John McClane involved in so many episodes of high-profile festive carnage, it was only a matter of time before Hollywood came a-wooing. After losing the rights to his life story in a backroom poker game to a man known only as ‘Paddy the Greek’, John finds himself at the whim of Tinsletown, who package the events of the original Die Hard as a postmodern deconstruction of the action movie, directed by Spike Jonze and starring Christoph Waltz as John McClane. Posters and TV ads bearing a fictional doppelgänger begin to plague McClane, sending him to the brink of sanity. The closing shot witnesses him fully deranged, relieving himself over an image of Waltz plastered over the side of a bus, whilst repeatedly singing the theme tune from Frasier.

 

Title: Die Hard: The Day After

 

We return to LA’s Nakatomi Plaza on the day after that fateful night. The minions are in the morgue, McClane’s patching up his wounds and mainlining nog with his missus while Hans Gruber’s blood-black entrails paint the pavement below like some abstract expressionist nightmare. But what of the day labourers, the Mexican border jumpers or Russian serfs who are employed by (the late) Mr Takagi to ensure the smooth running of the building? This sombre new Die Hard offshoot documents the toil of those below stairs and the harsh realities of cleaning up after a workplace massacre. So painful and arduous is the workers’ task of mopping up the oceans of blood that, in an ironic twist, they too (led by Christoph Waltz) decide to tool up and shoot up their own skyscraper.

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