Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

With direct-to-DVD cinema experiencing something of a renaissance of late, the high spectacle, low-budget monster movie has squirmed its way to the fore of popcorn fodder. The simple premise of pitting two mythical behemoths against one another is guaranteed to cement cult status, and in the case of this particularly ambitious and woefully executed romp, B-movie fanatics have had their tentacles in a twist ever since the viral trailer burst onto the internet some months ago. For those of you familiar with the trailer, you may as well stop here because you’ve already seen the best bits, pretty much in their entirety. For the uninitiated amongst you, allow us to enrich your lives.

The opening shot – an epic, sweeping skip across a snow-peaked mountain range – instantly establishes the mega proportions of what you are about to encounter. But the meganess doesn’t stop there. Plunging down to the watery depths below we meet our would-be heroine Emma MacNeil (Debbie Gibson), steering her submersible through schools of marine monsters; first sharks (hammerheads, if you’re asking), then a pod of whales. Impressive in their own right maybe, but these are no more than morsel sized entrées. Director Jack Perez (known here by his alter-ego Ace Hannah) is in no hurry to wind the reel in just yet.

When the titular prehistoric beasties are accidentally thawed from their glacial grave, MacNeil and her team are set the undesirable task of saving humanity. This involves lots of vacant gazing, a few belated eureka moments and plenty of illogical planning. All the while the marine mammoths are busy desecrating bridges, plucking planes out of the sky and generally wreaking havoc across the globe.

Disappointingly, the action scenes are edited so aggressively they are pretty much unwatchable. They are far too sparse too, the solitary climactic exchange between the film’s antagonists effectively nullifying its ‘versus’ status. This lack of action leaves most of the running time to the hapless cast to carry an extremely tenuous, tacked on sub-plot. Any meaningful mention of global warming or man and nature’s coexistence is swiftly quashed by the sexual and sporadically racist tendencies of a few key characters.

As quickly as it arrived, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is soon swept out to sea, leaving in its wake nothing but the stale stench of a sequel, lingering in the air of the film’s feeble finale.

Adam Woodward

Anticipation:

To B-movie or not to B-movie? There is no question.

Enjoyment:

So-bad-its-good? Not even close.

In Retrospect:

You're gonna need a bigger budget.